The End of the Road

It is with a heavy heart I write this post. Those that are close to me have heard the bad news but I still feel the need to express it here. It's taken me a day to have the strength to find the words but I think it's necessary now. Suki had been on a downward spiral since the weekend. Her appetite had decreased strikingly with no explanation. Her breathing had become similar to how it was post-surgery...heavy and hard. She was struggling for air. She had diarrhea throughout last weekend and it turned into virtually nothing in her #2's but blood. When walking she lagged behind by 3 feet moving at a snail's pace. My vet gave her a shot of dexamethasone to get her breathing under control as I mentioned in my last post. It worked somewhat as her appetite came back and she ate two great meals Tuesday night. We were so pleased! Wednesday I had awoken to her having an accident in the house....bloody #2 with not much else there. She's never had an accident save for one time when she was very sick a while ago. I took her for a walk upon waking....more blood every time she tried. Then the vomiting started. Everything she had eaten more than 12 hours prior had come up undigested. She was walking at a snail's pace 3 feet behind. Despite everything she's been through she always enjoyed her walks but now she just seemed cloudy and distant.

Back to Dr. S's we went. He recommended we start her on Kaopectate every 2 hours to coat her stomach, however the vomiting persisted so I doubt any of it made it to her stomach. At 3 in the morning we made a decision to take her to the emergency room. She was given 300 ml of fluid therapy, plus Cerenia for the vomiting, b12 injection to help with her nutrient loss, and something else to help protect the lining of her stomach. The emergency vet informed us that this was just the start of worse things to come. Next would be organs failing. We left with orders to return to our regular DMV first thing in the morning to follow up treatment.

The one striking thing about Suki is no matter how sick she was at any given time when we took her to the vet she would act completely normal. It was quite aggravating to be honest...it made me look like a hypochondriac half the time. "Yes my dog has been hyperventilating and dry-heaving all night including the hour drive over here....yes I know she's not doing that now but I swear there's something wrong with her!"

When I when I awoke Thursday morning Suki seemed catatonic. I called her repeatedly but nothing. I got dressed and ready to take her to the vet and whistled one last time. In she came wagging her tail ever so gently. When we took her that morning to the Vet there was nothing fine about her. Her essence was fading. She was definitely not herself and seemed miserable. Usually she would want to jump on the bench at the vet's to sit next to her mummy but not today...she just laid down by me. I knew in my heart it was time, and my vet agreed. Thankfully he brought it up first, saving me from being the bad guy and having the guilty feeling that I've given up. He reassured me we were doing the right thing, that it was time, and that it was only fair. The decision was made for 3pm that day (yesterday the 29th). My boyfriend dropped Suki and I off at my parents. I cried, and cried, and cried. I carried her onto my parents’ bed and I fell asleep with her in my arms sleeping peacefully as well. I awoke at 2:30 pm and we went downstairs. My boyfriend, parents, and best friend were all there and we awaited the arrival of my vet. Suki was on my lap and I cried some more. She heard someone at the door and made a feeble attempt to bark and get up but with not much success. She did eventually go say hello and wagged her beautiful tail for the last time. Despite all of the crap my Vet has done to her (none of it his fault....it's just the shitty duties someone has to do) my Suki absolutely adored him, even at the end. His bedside manners are quite remarkable.

He gave Suki a sedative and I carried her back onto my lap and pet her as she drifted off to sleep. We spoke of stories and the lifelong experiences that we had with Suki. We spoke of her beautiful eccentricities and everything that made her...her. It was time...he gave the lethal injection and I just kept her close, kissed her, and held her tight as she melted away.

My Suki was gone but will always be alive within me. This is the second dog I've led to the rainbow bridge because of cancer. I hope with every fiber of my being it doesn't happen again. It's such a traumatizing experience. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

One lady from one of the dog cancer groups posited that perhaps we experience multiple dogs with cancer because the universe knows we are best equipped to handle it and will give the most compassionate care. It's a beautiful thought and rationalization but I dread it being true. I've filled my quota damnit! It wouldn't be fair for me to go through this again. One healthy dog is all I want....from puppyhood to a natural old age death. Is that truly so much to long for?

I went to work yesterday after the whole endeavor (with a few hours of reprieve in between). It was crazy busy thankfully so I was able to avoid the loneliness for a while. The end of the night was the worst though. I dreaded coming home. I restrained crying at work and kept choking back the tears. I work in a bar so I stayed and had a couple cocktails once we were closed to work up the courage of coming home to a Suki-less house. (My job is literally 1 block away from my house so I don't have to worry about drinking too much and driving). I finally headed home. Every step towards the door was filled with crushing sadness and flooding tears. There would be no Suki to greet me with her "wiggle-waggle" and no cuddling from her after a long day of running around. I lived for those cuddles. It was always a time of reflection and relaxation. I could let the day melt away when she was in my arms. I would gaze into her honey brown almond shaped eyes and just smile. No matter how bad my day was she could make it better. And now she wasn't here. I put the key in the lock and paused. It took me a few minutes before I could even open the door. I just didn't want to...I wasn't ready to. I finally sucked it up, turned the knob and entered. I was greeted not by my fuzzy one but by a memorial candle I had asked my man to purchase. It burned bright for her and brought a smile to my face. I knew I'd be okay.

A million thanks to those that have stood by and offered their support in the early days, their compassion in the long days, and their condolences in the final days. You know who you are and dog bless you all. May my Suki rest in blissful peace 11/?/01 - 1/29/09. Any future donations will be put towards the cost of her cremation and an urn.

Darker Days

A Sobering Day
1/27/08 - Tuesday 4:36pm

It's been awhile since I've posted. It's just been such a mess these past few weeks. Bills are piling up. It's been one thing after another. I've said "are you fucking kidding me?" more times recently than I can remember. Suki has been pretty consistent....not worse, not better. I did end up starting her on the prednisone...10 mg. It seemed to be helping but I think we've hit a brick wall now I'm afraid. Her breathing has gotten much heavier and despite the appetite increase the pred is supposed to give, she's barely eating. I took her to Dr. S this morning for her first treatment of the week but for how she seemed last night I was apprehensive about her having it. Our vet agreed and was very concerned about her breathing. He's trying a powerful dose of a corticosteroid called Dexamethasone as a last resort to get her breathing under control. His theory is she's not eating because she can't eat and breathe at the same time. If this doesn't work I think we'll be at the end of the road.

At the end of February it'll be our 5 year anniversary of adopting Suki. I'm so saddened to think she might not be here for that.

Despite everything she's been through she's never whined once, and still wags her tail. She has such a wonderful personality and I don't think I'll ever find another one like her. She is my daughter, my angel, my baby, my light, and the love of my life. A world without her will be a cold one. Dr. S thinks it's time to start evaluating our "choices." I know I've come to terms with it....I came to terms with it weeks ago, but it doesn't make it any easier. I've cried every night...even on walks I start crying. As I'm writing this I'm choking back tears.

The strange thing is she doesn't seem that bad. The first couple weeks of her diagnosis she'd sleep in the farthest corner almost hiding. She did that every day. I'd been so used to her being my shadow that it was strange. I've nearly stepped on her so many times as she'd lay by me when I'm on the couch...that's if she wasn't on the couch with me. It was so lonely not having her by me. But in the last few weeks she's come back to her old ways. She's either on my lap, by my side, or by my feet. It's nice.

No one told her she was too big to be a lapdog!

More important than anything else at this time is that she doesn't suffer. I don't want her to get to that point. I think we waited too long with my Zippy to make that final decision and I won't do that to Suki. My vet thinks it's only fair though that we give her a fighting chance with this injection he's trying. We'll see how it goes. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.