Darker Days

A Sobering Day
1/27/08 - Tuesday 4:36pm

It's been awhile since I've posted. It's just been such a mess these past few weeks. Bills are piling up. It's been one thing after another. I've said "are you fucking kidding me?" more times recently than I can remember. Suki has been pretty consistent....not worse, not better. I did end up starting her on the prednisone...10 mg. It seemed to be helping but I think we've hit a brick wall now I'm afraid. Her breathing has gotten much heavier and despite the appetite increase the pred is supposed to give, she's barely eating. I took her to Dr. S this morning for her first treatment of the week but for how she seemed last night I was apprehensive about her having it. Our vet agreed and was very concerned about her breathing. He's trying a powerful dose of a corticosteroid called Dexamethasone as a last resort to get her breathing under control. His theory is she's not eating because she can't eat and breathe at the same time. If this doesn't work I think we'll be at the end of the road.

At the end of February it'll be our 5 year anniversary of adopting Suki. I'm so saddened to think she might not be here for that.

Despite everything she's been through she's never whined once, and still wags her tail. She has such a wonderful personality and I don't think I'll ever find another one like her. She is my daughter, my angel, my baby, my light, and the love of my life. A world without her will be a cold one. Dr. S thinks it's time to start evaluating our "choices." I know I've come to terms with it....I came to terms with it weeks ago, but it doesn't make it any easier. I've cried every night...even on walks I start crying. As I'm writing this I'm choking back tears.

The strange thing is she doesn't seem that bad. The first couple weeks of her diagnosis she'd sleep in the farthest corner almost hiding. She did that every day. I'd been so used to her being my shadow that it was strange. I've nearly stepped on her so many times as she'd lay by me when I'm on the couch...that's if she wasn't on the couch with me. It was so lonely not having her by me. But in the last few weeks she's come back to her old ways. She's either on my lap, by my side, or by my feet. It's nice.

No one told her she was too big to be a lapdog!

More important than anything else at this time is that she doesn't suffer. I don't want her to get to that point. I think we waited too long with my Zippy to make that final decision and I won't do that to Suki. My vet thinks it's only fair though that we give her a fighting chance with this injection he's trying. We'll see how it goes. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.